feeling like a shit

i have no idea what to do, the injury is getting worse and it will be 4 weeks at sunday. medicine doesn't work at all or very minimal. i'm just whole time tired & sad. i have eaten why too much, i basically can't work out..and i 'm also afraid if i'll try i would make it even worse, i hate the fact i can't have any privacy. cause i'm crying & depressed all the time & everyone with whom i live with has noticed it. i don't wanna be that cry baby..but  i am.

 

sorry, i'm very negative..but really i'm tired of pains & not knowing what it is & when will it end up. cause it isn't a strain in muscle (that was the first assumption) and the doctor doesn't know what it is. i need to make a bunch of x ray & analysis and i don't know if i can even afford it. like really everything is always about that damn money.

p.s i hope all of you out there are doing better then me at the moment. and thank you.

xMx

i fcuking hate this

i have nothing good to say..and i don't even one to start with the bad stuff. like really, yesterday i thought i have the injury behind me..and took a bit longer walk, cause really i was feeling fine. and today i could stand on the leg. so i'm again on injections...it's almost 3 fucking weeks. 3, three, tre, drei, III...i'm starting to think that someone has a voodoo doll of me and is sticking constantly needles in it.
i have lost only one fcuking kg..ONE..or do i need to be glad that i haven't gained without normal amount of exercises, zero running and almost none walking. and thank good i can't walk also to the store..and that's the only gold lining i see here.

thank you all for your lovely comments. it's a lot for me!

xMx

where' s my mind?

where is it? i have no clue. yesterday i somehow found accidentally my Placebo folder ..there' s quite a time since i last listened to them ..and ok ok also screamed along the lyrics :D it' s so weird, how every single piece of music hides a whole world of memories, associations & feelings within. maybe that' s why i just dyed my hair brown again..a color the last time i had more then 3 years ago, since then i was in my natural color which is bright bright brown. they say you change your hair always when you want to start fresh or you have some( or a lot ) problems, well actually i want to shave them off one day...every single one of them, i have always  wanted to do that, just never had those guts to finish it. anyways yesterday was weird..but hey i' m weird. full stop. aaaand i still can' t run. that explains a lot i think and the doctor said that i won' t be able to do it for some weeks, cause there' s an inflammation in the nerve, where the injury was (WHYYYYYY?) but it can always be worse..i know it way tooo good!

i made a tumbrl :click here

AND THANK YOU  ALL for following, it' s a real surprise actually that someone does it, I appreciate it a lot!

xMx

so that' s THE hair:

Ramblings again

that's true..so true..that i'm thinking of dropping all that master cleanse stuff & get back to coffee "cleanse". cause really..let's face it..i can't live without it. just can't..i'm sorry. i hate to be a quitter ( cause that's me..i can do everything, right..yeah right everything just stay thin & find the place on earth :D) i miss sarcasm as well..all sarcastic friends are far away..only way we stay in touch is mostly sarcastic comments on facebook (what's good, but live version would be far more better :(. you see i'm pretty grumpy cause i'm just now having my first coffee today.  Back to the "cleanse". i have only consumed fruits (apple, figs & banana) & boiled broccoli AND 4 cups of coffee & 2 l with herbal tea. and i'm doing fine. this morning i was down 3, 2 lbs ( i'm still to embarrassed about how high my starting number is, so i will post it only when i will feel it's ok to tell it (hopefully it won't take years..not funny i know ).
The leg is doing better, i did some strength exercises  yesterday (afterwards the pain was back, but it was still worth it). fingers crossed that i can run soon, it's already 11 days since i the last run..if i could i would smashed something right now...arghhhh
good news are i found exactly the same boots i have right now also in italy..that made my day, cause i was sure i can't buy them in italy..and they are so warm & cosy, just already old..but guess who's getting new ones :D & i found also another ones which i want a lot, but still not sure if i need them or not. cause i might buy them & then feel like i can't wear them cause i'm not looking good enough to draw attention.

have a nice day or good night ;)

xMx

and the whining starts again...

i love this song, maybe that's why today was a bit better..but seriously i mean..the leg still isn't good, but somehow i didn't had to much time to think about it..cause of the early shift..and i still got one cup of coffee, but it's half so bad, cause it's only first day of easy-in, but till friday i need to find strength to say no to the coffee, otherwise all that detox. will be a waste of time ..i mean i will loose some weight anyways, but if i'm doing something then i want to do my best. it's always been like that.."black" vs. "white" & no colors in between. tomorrow it's only fruits and veggies. i don't know why can i be that person i was some years ago. with aim and be able to restrict and go for a 10km run at 3am. and just live from cappuccinos & study the whole night through. i don't have left so much will power, it's not working(all those thispirations & promises ) i think i can't full myself so easily, cause i know i will give up eventually.
ok. i won't give up..just these last 5 days are so depressing, and i can't get away from these thoughts ( no running remember :( )
tomorrow everything will look better..

xMx

 

my room looked almost the same  :D

 

 

sunday...i'm freeee

this week has been so crazy & stressful & i have been crying like crazy and since i'm here, i haven't cried almost at all..ok at least not so much. and all of this is because i could go for run (who am i kidding here), i couldn't walk without screaming. i got a bunch of injection IN THE ASS ( a new experience as well :D). today is the first day i can walk normally. and all this started just because of a little strain, which wasn't enough for not going to the work and being all day up on feet, so the nerve in the hip joint went crazy. But well i'm glad it's over (i cross my fingers). i can't run for a week (min :() it makes me sooo angry. anyways, with all job/injury & i'm big drama queen shit i postponed the master cleanse, but i'll start tomorrow: first 4 days are easy in and 5-15. day is the master cleanse & then 4 days are easy out. it's also good so, cause at the beginning of october i'm going to milan & i can't possible imagine to be there and not to drink coffee. But milan is also a good extra motivation.

some pictures of what i have been eating now:

writing this post i got really excited about starting the Master cleanse, cause if i can't run..it's the ultimate option right now: to focus & to not get depressed.

i'm enjoying a lots of coffee today, cause next 19/20 days  just herbal tea..

xMx

it's always the same sh*t

well..i can't believe it, but i have got a strain..first time in my 7 years long running history..and the thing is i used to run every day more then 10km..and really every day. and now when i'm more or less thinking about my body..guess what.. i got a strain..just FCUK yourself and die! i can't even walk normally..i was looking like a old grandma today limping & having that painful facial expression. oh well, whining & crying won't help there i guess. so i changed my work out plan: yoga & arm exercises were/still are on the plan. but i can't wait to run again..running is the only way i can get along with stress & angriness. oh, i just help it will heal very fast. i have no idea how long can it take(first strain huh), but from reading on Internet it might take ages(jhaskjdasl). I still be doing master cleanse thing though..i'm bit scared, cause i won't be able to drink coffee at all, and since i can remember, i have always had at least one coffee per day (not to speak about days when i have up to 5:D) anyways the plan is :
a) heal the strain
b)start master cleanse
c)study more & every day
d)fitness abo
e) winter boots
f) vacation
e)get another tattoo (in best case 2, but it depends of how much of spare money will i have:(
g) decide what to do after 4 month

and now i just need to inhale & exhale & cross the fingers

so now it's time to appreciate the fast work of L's & make appointment with a good book.if you know what i mean.
xMx

8 long months in paradies

it's amazing that i have spent already 8 long months here. i have been so busy all the time & well i can say also in some way happy. i did so many things new for me: got a tattoo, climbed a mountain(ok just 2000m, but still for me it's a lot), did a one week trip around Italy (mostly couchsurfing), so i met also a lot of amazing free-spirited people, did a 2 week trip in Europa (Germany, Austria & Poland). I went also home & faced my family and their judgment about my choices( those who already made and also the future ones). But there were also good times like seeing my best friends again( i missed & still am missing them like crazy) & my sweet little dogs. sounds happy right? well i was, but somehow with the summer went also the happiness away, cause weather here is already quite autumn-like, and there's snow already in mountains. but i think it's not only that. now that there are only 5 another months left, i'm getting scared about the future. what to do?, where to go?, where to get enough money? which city? which country? and so on and on. i'm bad with decisions, always have been. i want them all, but it's impossible(no, really????!!:D)
anyways, that's another pattern, when things aren't going well i come back to this blog...no idea for good or not..
xMx

 so that's me..now