im scared, hands are shaking, im scared of everythig. im really still just a little child inside of me. scared of taking chances, scared of problems. waiting on someone who will take responsibility over me, who will decide in my place. and yet i want to leave my home as soon as possible, leave and go far far away. different contry, different city, different people. i don't dream that ill become another person, thin as i want to be, or happy, but i definitely won't be the same. i want to live on my own, just one year. but you know im scared to make this step. my family said already NO. i need to study further and so on and on. but i want just one year for myself. i wanted to do this after high school, but they pressed all the right buttons and i gave up, because i thought they know better whats good for me.but i regret that i didn't stand up and fight for it then. and i have done this (almoust)-i have finished studies- i can do it now. but im scared. i don't want to upset them. i can't stand if someone is unhappy and the reason is me. Weakness? maybe. i thinl its because im getting easily upset as well and i don't want to do the same for someone else (and for the family even more!) and its weird, because i honestly thought i hate my mother and she couldn't stand me at all. i was like a big failure over and over again. never i was good enough..in the school, at home, everywhere, but now i understand she wanted me to be the best, just the way was wrong..i don't have any selfconfidence at all. i don't blame her..now atleast..i just wasn't person who was strong enough. good enough. and at the times when i was feeling like a failure i would binge. and its only my fault, only my. and its difficult to have noone else to blame..too difficult. and in fact this post is just whinig again...o my..ill better go to sleep..new day, new thoughts..
good night
xMx
Why are you afraid of everything? Is it because you're not sure what's going to happen? If that's the case, then you shouldn't be worried because no one will ever know what's going to happen.
ReplyDeleteIs it because you're afriad of disappointing someone? Don't worry about that- if they get upset then that's they're own fault, not yours. You should feel free to do whatever you want without worrying about others- let them deal with thier own unhappiness and anger.
I too understand how hard it is to go against what your family wants. You want to be your own person and do what you want too but you're family wants something different. You want to make them happy but then again, you want to make yourself happy as well.
You should never feel like a failure. You ARE good enough, you ARE strong enough, you ARE brave enough, you just have to prove to yourself that you are all these great things. And once you can prove that to yourself, you might not be scared to do all the things you want to do.
I'm not familiar with your language (I don't even know how to pronounce the words!), but I tried an online translator, so I don't know how accurate it is:
Jums ir spēcīga un drosmīgs. Neļaujiet jūsu bailes un insecurites glabāt jūs no panākt visu, ko vēlaties dzīvē!
♥
Aw, very touching post. I've always wanted to to the 'year gap' after high school, I think you learn more than you could ever do in school.
ReplyDeleteIt's seems you're going through an existencial crisis, I hope you get better, I really do. Eveything will get better, hun, just wait and see. You are NOT a failure, I'm sure you can be anything if you set your mind to.
Be strong and beautiful sweetie <3 Best wishes