Random thoughts

i have been thinking.. a lot.. i got a job..bought a bicycle..finished all my exams (just the paper for getting a degree has left). but that all doesn't bother me much. i simply don't care..most the time i am just tired and dizzy. i went to the doctor, that was such a stupid idea. i sat there and the only thing in my head was..omg..if she finds out that i am not eating right. anyways the doctor wants me to take a lot of tests..i hope they won't show any signs of my life style..for now i am thinking i musted simply leave all as it is..but my thyroid was too swollen for too long (since Christmas) and i got too worried :(... OK in fact i'm very scared.
the other thing is i am also scared i can't trust my judgement anymore. i always thought i know the best about me, about other people, about life and so on.and most of the time i was right. Friends always said i am the smart one.    
but last months have been awful. i am wrong, i misunderstand a lot. and now when i am writing i see that i was really  wrong, but i also know next time i will do the same (it's difficult to explain) it is like part of a time a another me has the power of seeing and she sees all bad. i have already written about the feeling that there are two MEs inside my body. but before last couple of months Mes couldn't agree only about things i saw in the mirror. and with that i could live. but now it's bad. i had a lot of fights with friends because i misunderstand them, blamed them for what i thought they think and wanted to do to me. and after a while i saw my mistake..i really did..but i was too ashamed about it to speak with them.

Something happier. I love surrealism. Salvador Dali is my favorite artist. This tattoo kind of remind me of his works. I still think about the idea of having a tattoo. but i can't decide what exactly do i want(i have been thinking over a year now or even more): dream-catcher or a dog. I could have both. Will see. Till that time i still need to lose lot of fat.

  

xXxxShySushixXxx

Plan is ready. Gooo me!

i have found a job. it's nothing big,but i'll get more money, then my friends for doing less and i can manage to do both: study and work. it also means i'll be able to go to gym *party*.
i'm exactly 128 lbs now. i need to lose at least 25 till summer. i don't know if it's possible. i hope it is. i don't want another summer like last 2. i was so insicure and always with something big on. NOT this summer. i will be thin and happy and an other person!! You will see it.



xxxx

after one month...i'm back

hi, blogging world.

one month ago i was so sure i'll never log in in my blogger.com account. yeah,  right. after a couple of days i wanted to know how are you all doing and i start to read your blogs. so i red them..but only once a week or so..'once' was in first 2 weeks, last week and this week im reading them every single day...so i figured out it's useless to pretend i'm not here ^^ so i'll be writing here AGAIN instead of my drive C.


xSHYsushiX

Goodbyes

I thought everything through. and i decided to leave this blogging world. maybe ill be back after 2 month maybe not. but i just wanted to say goodbye. ill miss you. THANX FOR YOUR SUPPORT.

xMx

Changes#2

i was so suprised, that someone is still reading my depressed posts. and that someone has inspiring words for me.
those are smart words, but i seem not to understand them. i mean i understand their meaning but voice in my head thinks in a diffrent way.
today i lost the control totally. binged very badly. but i was able to study. not just staring at the desktop. its a good thing right? but it also makes me cry, when i realise that tomorrow ill be back to my old weight or even worse..maybe ill need to let it go...be fat and ugly till im finished with my uni (thats 2 month more) and then loose those lbs. because i feel ill fail otherwise :( i have no idea what to do. because it doesn't matter which way ill choose i will feel like a failure (maaaaan, again this stupid word, my second name for sure). but somehow uni seems to be more important and i KNOW FOR SURE ILL WILL lose this fat after it. i won't be happy if i won't. but i won't be happy either when ill need to pay for other semester or more.



wish you all a much much better week then mine!!


xMx

staying sane. its the only thing i still have in my mind. everything is blur. sorry. i won't  stay sane. im feeling it. sorry.

Motivation

 i have made a plan for this day. LIQUID FAST. go me. and about all my problems ill think(and write) on monday. I will show them.

Stress will kill me soon

its true. it will, because i have no idea if ill be eble to finish the studies this year or not. i have lots to do :( only good thing is that im way to busy to worrie about my future after graduation(if ill have one). sad. sad. sad thought. well good thing also- i don't want to eat at all.
ARIANA!! your comment was so sweet. so you guessed where im from^^ it was almost right..want to learn a new language? just kidding. i know that you don't like languages and anyway this language has no use^^
u asked me what im afraid of..its both- of failure and the fact im not sure what will happen..and also i don't want to upset anyone. but ill will face this after ill be done with school.

Omg im really scared.my hands are shaking. i have no money to pay university, because if im fail this year ill need to pay for it a big amont of money, which means ill need to drop this. and this happens just because of one little misunderstanding.

i haven't updated my weight or kcal intake for a while. im still 128 lbs. and i don't get why im not loosing anything. i don't binge, i eat 500-1000 kcal a day. i think its because of coffee and lack of kcal burning ( ill need to find time for that. :( )

xMx

wake me up when september ends...

im scared, hands are shaking, im scared of everythig.  im really still just a little child inside of me. scared of taking chances, scared of problems. waiting on someone who will take responsibility over me, who will decide in my place. and yet i want to leave my home as soon as possible, leave and go far far away. different contry, different city, different people. i don't dream that ill become another person, thin as i want to be, or happy, but i definitely won't be the same. i want to live on my own, just one year. but you know im scared to make this step. my family said already NO. i need to study further and so on and on. but i want just one year for myself. i wanted to do this after high school, but they pressed all the right buttons and i gave up, because i thought they know better whats good for me.but i regret that i didn't stand up and fight for it then. and i have done this (almoust)-i have finished studies- i can do it now. but im scared. i don't want to upset them. i can't stand if someone is unhappy and the reason is me. Weakness? maybe. i thinl its because im getting easily upset as well and i don't want to do the same  for someone else (and for the family even more!) and its weird, because i honestly thought i hate my mother and she couldn't stand me at all. i was like a big failure over and over again. never i was good enough..in the school, at home, everywhere, but now i understand she wanted me to be the best, just the way was wrong..i don't have any selfconfidence at all. i don't blame her..now atleast..i just wasn't person who was strong enough. good enough. and at the times when i was feeling like a failure i would binge. and its only my fault, only my. and its difficult to have noone else to blame..too difficult. and in fact this post is just whinig again...o my..ill better go to sleep..new day, new thoughts..

good night

xMx

something, something

i couldn't blog for some days. couldn't because it didn't seem such a good idea. because what's the point to write again and again the same whinings over and over and over again. so ill better just post some nice pictures what will maybe improve this fu***ng mood. and i WON'T give up. i know ill find a way.

xMx

KeiraThinspo2

If she isn't beautiful then i have no idea who is!!

i promised to weigh in myself today, but the truth is im so scared of being gained i couldn't do it. im sorry i just can't.



xMx

Changes

i woke up this morning and felt like a big fat loser who has no will power at all. i didn't binge yestarday (in fact i haven't binge for a long time) but i definitely am eating to much (~1000 kcal per day) and its way to much if im seriously want to lose ~15 kg. ok i know now im a waaaaay better in restricting then 2 years ago when it all started, but it's always the same circle (restricting/losing-binging/gaining-restricting/losing-binging/gaining). that shows also my personality...one moment im so exciting in everything, very positive and outgoing and then next time im depressed, bored and antisocial. And normally if im feeling like that  i would stay(read HIDE!) at home  because i didn't want to show im not always that happy person who never shows her disappointment, sadness or fears. Because people who showed these feelings in my opinion were weak and they lost respect from others. i thought till yestarday that noone had ever noticed the "sad" side of me, but i was so wrong.


ok. changes. from now on. ILL STICK WITH MY PLAN and will try to hide better that "sad"side from others. i don't want to scare people away, atleast those who are still stayed^^ and tomorrow ill weigh in. a little bit scary.

ThinTHinThinTHinspo

i messed everything up...feel like shit. but these pics are so beautiful... real thinspo!