day 1

first day..back on track..it's time to take over my own life. no more turning to food for comfort and no more crying over my own damn body... why couldn't i do the same as so many people before me..i'll buy new food diary and start all over again.i'm so exciting...a lil bit scary..anyways..my starting weight is 138 lbs..and i'm 5'7 tall. so..at least 30 lbs to go..and better fast!!!!
PLAN:
1000 kcal per day
cardio- 30 min
mat method- 1 hour
yoga (3 times a week)

I'm pretty sure that i won't be able to stick with 1000 kcal..because of job, but the goal is never go over 1500 kcal.

something to be inspired from:

go me..i'm off to work..and hopefully everything will work out just amazing...fingers crossed!


M.

sleepy

Sushi is really really sleepy today, and in fact she was so yesterday as well. that's why i'll just say that i'm doing well on my plan. only mistake so far were 2 pieces of milk chocolate. i was already forgotten how good it feels to run at the evening, i literally didn't want come back inside. If i could i would live like gypsies or hippies all summer long (only summer^^)
i wanted to weight myself today, but so far i have had lots of water, so i'll do it at morning to avoid bad surprises. 
wow, this post is officially the most pointless in my "LONG" blogging history. well, i am sleepy, that's why..
Thanx to Amber or Ariana! and thank you all of you who still reads my ramblings AND even finds some words to share, i really appreciate:)

xXxShySushiXxX

I will (10x)....be happy in this summer

last week was very warm, very sunny and very stressful ( wrote about my last paper). after it was done i got really really drunk..it means..lot of kcal. but after all that stress, tears and fears i simply needed it. i was out also on Friday and Saturday night. i just wanted to enjoy freedom and well to avoid also thinking about the future. But today i have calmed down. And from tomorrow morning i have a new plan.On Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays i have work all day long. that's a good thing, because i don't eat there. and at the morning i don't eat in general. so i need to plan only one meal. i take bike to and from work, so it's also kcal burning and i will go running for 30 min every second evening. 

 i can't wait to start. Tuesdays and Thursdays will be my relaxing time. 

1.   i will read books a lot (finally something else then learning books or German books).
2.  i will go to the beach and i will be brown like chocolate (i am already brown but i want more) 
3. i will begin to draw again (haven't done that for over then 3 years, but i want it now). 
4. i will visit art exhibitions with my best friend
5. i will drink coffee (that one only cup:( ) 
6. i will go to summer music festivals and will enjoy listening to the music in summer nights
7. i will forget to worry about tiny irrelevant everyday things.
8. i will travel to Germany and i will see my friends again and i will tell them that i missed them much (even it's really hard to me to admit stuff like that.
9. maybe, just maybe i could find someone i really want to find. and maybe, it could change my loneliness. 
10. and maybe, just maybe I WILL BE HAPPY IN THIS SUMMER. so happy i always wanted to be.

But till then i WILL try to look as best as i can, what means...i need to loose some weight. GO me!

xXxShySushiXxX

 

Bachelor degree, weight etc.

Hi to you all out there!

I can officially say i have finished my bachelor program, and i did it really well. well, that's the opinion of my professors, not mine. i think i could done it better. but i can/will improve myself in master's degree, if i will decide to do it. in fact, i want to study in germany. but that takes lots of money and courage as well.

all that eating/ studying at night took me back to 61 kg. it's  134 lbs. it sucks, but i am not worried to much, because i know, i can do this and be at the end of the month 125 lbs at least. (it's graduation then)

i done lots of tests, but doctors couldn't find why i am feeling bad all the time, and why my thyroid is swollen. at the end, they figured out it's only stress and to much caffeine and other stuff from large amounts of coffee and energy drinks. I can't use them now. only one cup coffee per day. it is sooooo bad. i am a coffee lover. ok i can manage through the summer, because it's hot and so, but what will i do in the autumn or winter. coffee in warm cozy place while it's snowing/ raining outside is kind of my everyday pleasure in those month.

emotionally i am bouncing from bad and depressed to happy shiny people in daily basis. i am not happy about that, nor are my surrounding people. the most triggering thing is as always loneliness. it gets to me badly. my birthday is after 2 month, i will be 23. it is a lot, and i haven't been in love once. NOT EVEN once. what is wrong with me? it's not a question. sometimes i'm afraid of what answer it could be. i perfectly know sitting here and rambling won't help it. and i am starting to understand it's not also because of my weight. i don't know about what could it be neither. just trying to stay sane, positive and don't show my problems to others. it's not working all the times.
tomorrow i will drive to the beach. i have my own bike (happy happy face). read it as kcal burning+ faster then traffic+ tanning!
 and it looks kind of cute, maybe not so cute as these two, but still :D

Good night/ Day to you all!

so you probably already figured out but so i am done with my studies, i will be here a lot again. 

xXxShySushixXx

Random thoughts

i have been thinking.. a lot.. i got a job..bought a bicycle..finished all my exams (just the paper for getting a degree has left). but that all doesn't bother me much. i simply don't care..most the time i am just tired and dizzy. i went to the doctor, that was such a stupid idea. i sat there and the only thing in my head was..omg..if she finds out that i am not eating right. anyways the doctor wants me to take a lot of tests..i hope they won't show any signs of my life style..for now i am thinking i musted simply leave all as it is..but my thyroid was too swollen for too long (since Christmas) and i got too worried :(... OK in fact i'm very scared.
the other thing is i am also scared i can't trust my judgement anymore. i always thought i know the best about me, about other people, about life and so on.and most of the time i was right. Friends always said i am the smart one.    
but last months have been awful. i am wrong, i misunderstand a lot. and now when i am writing i see that i was really  wrong, but i also know next time i will do the same (it's difficult to explain) it is like part of a time a another me has the power of seeing and she sees all bad. i have already written about the feeling that there are two MEs inside my body. but before last couple of months Mes couldn't agree only about things i saw in the mirror. and with that i could live. but now it's bad. i had a lot of fights with friends because i misunderstand them, blamed them for what i thought they think and wanted to do to me. and after a while i saw my mistake..i really did..but i was too ashamed about it to speak with them.

Something happier. I love surrealism. Salvador Dali is my favorite artist. This tattoo kind of remind me of his works. I still think about the idea of having a tattoo. but i can't decide what exactly do i want(i have been thinking over a year now or even more): dream-catcher or a dog. I could have both. Will see. Till that time i still need to lose lot of fat.

  

xXxxShySushixXxx

Plan is ready. Gooo me!

i have found a job. it's nothing big,but i'll get more money, then my friends for doing less and i can manage to do both: study and work. it also means i'll be able to go to gym *party*.
i'm exactly 128 lbs now. i need to lose at least 25 till summer. i don't know if it's possible. i hope it is. i don't want another summer like last 2. i was so insicure and always with something big on. NOT this summer. i will be thin and happy and an other person!! You will see it.



xxxx

after one month...i'm back

hi, blogging world.

one month ago i was so sure i'll never log in in my blogger.com account. yeah,  right. after a couple of days i wanted to know how are you all doing and i start to read your blogs. so i red them..but only once a week or so..'once' was in first 2 weeks, last week and this week im reading them every single day...so i figured out it's useless to pretend i'm not here ^^ so i'll be writing here AGAIN instead of my drive C.


xSHYsushiX

Goodbyes

I thought everything through. and i decided to leave this blogging world. maybe ill be back after 2 month maybe not. but i just wanted to say goodbye. ill miss you. THANX FOR YOUR SUPPORT.

xMx

Changes#2

i was so suprised, that someone is still reading my depressed posts. and that someone has inspiring words for me.
those are smart words, but i seem not to understand them. i mean i understand their meaning but voice in my head thinks in a diffrent way.
today i lost the control totally. binged very badly. but i was able to study. not just staring at the desktop. its a good thing right? but it also makes me cry, when i realise that tomorrow ill be back to my old weight or even worse..maybe ill need to let it go...be fat and ugly till im finished with my uni (thats 2 month more) and then loose those lbs. because i feel ill fail otherwise :( i have no idea what to do. because it doesn't matter which way ill choose i will feel like a failure (maaaaan, again this stupid word, my second name for sure). but somehow uni seems to be more important and i KNOW FOR SURE ILL WILL lose this fat after it. i won't be happy if i won't. but i won't be happy either when ill need to pay for other semester or more.



wish you all a much much better week then mine!!


xMx

staying sane. its the only thing i still have in my mind. everything is blur. sorry. i won't  stay sane. im feeling it. sorry.

Motivation

 i have made a plan for this day. LIQUID FAST. go me. and about all my problems ill think(and write) on monday. I will show them.

Stress will kill me soon

its true. it will, because i have no idea if ill be eble to finish the studies this year or not. i have lots to do :( only good thing is that im way to busy to worrie about my future after graduation(if ill have one). sad. sad. sad thought. well good thing also- i don't want to eat at all.
ARIANA!! your comment was so sweet. so you guessed where im from^^ it was almost right..want to learn a new language? just kidding. i know that you don't like languages and anyway this language has no use^^
u asked me what im afraid of..its both- of failure and the fact im not sure what will happen..and also i don't want to upset anyone. but ill will face this after ill be done with school.

Omg im really scared.my hands are shaking. i have no money to pay university, because if im fail this year ill need to pay for it a big amont of money, which means ill need to drop this. and this happens just because of one little misunderstanding.

i haven't updated my weight or kcal intake for a while. im still 128 lbs. and i don't get why im not loosing anything. i don't binge, i eat 500-1000 kcal a day. i think its because of coffee and lack of kcal burning ( ill need to find time for that. :( )

xMx

wake me up when september ends...

im scared, hands are shaking, im scared of everythig.  im really still just a little child inside of me. scared of taking chances, scared of problems. waiting on someone who will take responsibility over me, who will decide in my place. and yet i want to leave my home as soon as possible, leave and go far far away. different contry, different city, different people. i don't dream that ill become another person, thin as i want to be, or happy, but i definitely won't be the same. i want to live on my own, just one year. but you know im scared to make this step. my family said already NO. i need to study further and so on and on. but i want just one year for myself. i wanted to do this after high school, but they pressed all the right buttons and i gave up, because i thought they know better whats good for me.but i regret that i didn't stand up and fight for it then. and i have done this (almoust)-i have finished studies- i can do it now. but im scared. i don't want to upset them. i can't stand if someone is unhappy and the reason is me. Weakness? maybe. i thinl its because im getting easily upset as well and i don't want to do the same  for someone else (and for the family even more!) and its weird, because i honestly thought i hate my mother and she couldn't stand me at all. i was like a big failure over and over again. never i was good enough..in the school, at home, everywhere, but now i understand she wanted me to be the best, just the way was wrong..i don't have any selfconfidence at all. i don't blame her..now atleast..i just wasn't person who was strong enough. good enough. and at the times when i was feeling like a failure i would binge. and its only my fault, only my. and its difficult to have noone else to blame..too difficult. and in fact this post is just whinig again...o my..ill better go to sleep..new day, new thoughts..

good night

xMx

something, something

i couldn't blog for some days. couldn't because it didn't seem such a good idea. because what's the point to write again and again the same whinings over and over and over again. so ill better just post some nice pictures what will maybe improve this fu***ng mood. and i WON'T give up. i know ill find a way.

xMx

KeiraThinspo2

If she isn't beautiful then i have no idea who is!!

i promised to weigh in myself today, but the truth is im so scared of being gained i couldn't do it. im sorry i just can't.



xMx