maybe a new start again?!

starts tomorrow.
rules=pretty the same as last time.
difference= no failing, giving up and crying
i won't loose this time..how i know it? because i will have my focus. so simply..because after exactly 21 days i will be leaving this country, home and life for a long time. so no distractions ...we will see!


xMx

that's me..still

http://4betterme.blogspot.com/

ages and rages

it has been ages since my last post here. So many things have happened: those i want to remember and those i don't want to recall ever again. i thought i don't need to use blogging for coping with my emotions anymore. but since yesterday i begin to think otherwise. I cried almost all day without any particular reason and today's almost as bad. i don't know what's wrong. i'm doing great on my eating and fitness plan( well i'm not losing weight, but i can say i'm more fit then ever..i don't binge and purge (almost never). just somehow i'm still very unhappy, lonely and can't find place for myself. it's a month left till i'm leaving my hometown and start a new life. but somehow it makes me sad as well and i have already 3 times left my parent's house(always for more then a year) and then somehow i manage to get back there because of a guilt of abandoning them. they are also lonely and pretty old and it sets a pressure on me. i mean...am i so selfish? and somehow it all makes me want to forget all these thoughts and focus on my weight..but well let's face it..it won't make me happy either..just more crazy. and still it's something i'm used to. counting, restricting then loosing and crying over that. but then at least I KNOW WHAT AM I CRYING ABOUT! Last 4 weeks every friday i went dancing, drinking and just have a good time with friends..and every one of them on the way home at the morning i was crying like a stupid idiotic cry baby..so aahhh i don't know the right word for it..miserably, maybe. but at least i could get it together afterwards, but yesterday and today i'm sober..what's going on?! just because i had to work with some assholes..since when i'm so ffff weak. where is the girl who didn't need nobody..she was happy with her books, movies, dogs and some friends. well i can't say i was entirely happy but i wasn't so unhappy either..and i can't say it loud..only here..that's why maybe it was stupid to abandon blogging. but i must say..i don't fit here either..i'm not anorexic, i can't tell no one something worth knowing or inspiring..i'm nothing, i don't know what i want, who i want to be or why i'm like this...just stupid..and stupid and miserable.

M.