and the whining starts again...

i love this song, maybe that's why today was a bit better..but seriously i mean..the leg still isn't good, but somehow i didn't had to much time to think about it..cause of the early shift..and i still got one cup of coffee, but it's half so bad, cause it's only first day of easy-in, but till friday i need to find strength to say no to the coffee, otherwise all that detox. will be a waste of time ..i mean i will loose some weight anyways, but if i'm doing something then i want to do my best. it's always been like that.."black" vs. "white" & no colors in between. tomorrow it's only fruits and veggies. i don't know why can i be that person i was some years ago. with aim and be able to restrict and go for a 10km run at 3am. and just live from cappuccinos & study the whole night through. i don't have left so much will power, it's not working(all those thispirations & promises ) i think i can't full myself so easily, cause i know i will give up eventually.
ok. i won't give up..just these last 5 days are so depressing, and i can't get away from these thoughts ( no running remember :( )
tomorrow everything will look better..

xMx

 

my room looked almost the same  :D

 

 

sunday...i'm freeee

this week has been so crazy & stressful & i have been crying like crazy and since i'm here, i haven't cried almost at all..ok at least not so much. and all of this is because i could go for run (who am i kidding here), i couldn't walk without screaming. i got a bunch of injection IN THE ASS ( a new experience as well :D). today is the first day i can walk normally. and all this started just because of a little strain, which wasn't enough for not going to the work and being all day up on feet, so the nerve in the hip joint went crazy. But well i'm glad it's over (i cross my fingers). i can't run for a week (min :() it makes me sooo angry. anyways, with all job/injury & i'm big drama queen shit i postponed the master cleanse, but i'll start tomorrow: first 4 days are easy in and 5-15. day is the master cleanse & then 4 days are easy out. it's also good so, cause at the beginning of october i'm going to milan & i can't possible imagine to be there and not to drink coffee. But milan is also a good extra motivation.

some pictures of what i have been eating now:

writing this post i got really excited about starting the Master cleanse, cause if i can't run..it's the ultimate option right now: to focus & to not get depressed.

i'm enjoying a lots of coffee today, cause next 19/20 days  just herbal tea..

xMx

ages and rages

it has been ages since my last post here. So many things have happened: those i want to remember and those i don't want to recall ever again. i thought i don't need to use blogging for coping with my emotions anymore. but since yesterday i begin to think otherwise. I cried almost all day without any particular reason and today's almost as bad. i don't know what's wrong. i'm doing great on my eating and fitness plan( well i'm not losing weight, but i can say i'm more fit then ever..i don't binge and purge (almost never). just somehow i'm still very unhappy, lonely and can't find place for myself. it's a month left till i'm leaving my hometown and start a new life. but somehow it makes me sad as well and i have already 3 times left my parent's house(always for more then a year) and then somehow i manage to get back there because of a guilt of abandoning them. they are also lonely and pretty old and it sets a pressure on me. i mean...am i so selfish? and somehow it all makes me want to forget all these thoughts and focus on my weight..but well let's face it..it won't make me happy either..just more crazy. and still it's something i'm used to. counting, restricting then loosing and crying over that. but then at least I KNOW WHAT AM I CRYING ABOUT! Last 4 weeks every friday i went dancing, drinking and just have a good time with friends..and every one of them on the way home at the morning i was crying like a stupid idiotic cry baby..so aahhh i don't know the right word for it..miserably, maybe. but at least i could get it together afterwards, but yesterday and today i'm sober..what's going on?! just because i had to work with some assholes..since when i'm so ffff weak. where is the girl who didn't need nobody..she was happy with her books, movies, dogs and some friends. well i can't say i was entirely happy but i wasn't so unhappy either..and i can't say it loud..only here..that's why maybe it was stupid to abandon blogging. but i must say..i don't fit here either..i'm not anorexic, i can't tell no one something worth knowing or inspiring..i'm nothing, i don't know what i want, who i want to be or why i'm like this...just stupid..and stupid and miserable.

M.