maybe a new start again?!

starts tomorrow.
rules=pretty the same as last time.
difference= no failing, giving up and crying
i won't loose this time..how i know it? because i will have my focus. so simply..because after exactly 21 days i will be leaving this country, home and life for a long time. so no distractions ...we will see!


xMx

that's me..still

http://4betterme.blogspot.com/

ages and rages

it has been ages since my last post here. So many things have happened: those i want to remember and those i don't want to recall ever again. i thought i don't need to use blogging for coping with my emotions anymore. but since yesterday i begin to think otherwise. I cried almost all day without any particular reason and today's almost as bad. i don't know what's wrong. i'm doing great on my eating and fitness plan( well i'm not losing weight, but i can say i'm more fit then ever..i don't binge and purge (almost never). just somehow i'm still very unhappy, lonely and can't find place for myself. it's a month left till i'm leaving my hometown and start a new life. but somehow it makes me sad as well and i have already 3 times left my parent's house(always for more then a year) and then somehow i manage to get back there because of a guilt of abandoning them. they are also lonely and pretty old and it sets a pressure on me. i mean...am i so selfish? and somehow it all makes me want to forget all these thoughts and focus on my weight..but well let's face it..it won't make me happy either..just more crazy. and still it's something i'm used to. counting, restricting then loosing and crying over that. but then at least I KNOW WHAT AM I CRYING ABOUT! Last 4 weeks every friday i went dancing, drinking and just have a good time with friends..and every one of them on the way home at the morning i was crying like a stupid idiotic cry baby..so aahhh i don't know the right word for it..miserably, maybe. but at least i could get it together afterwards, but yesterday and today i'm sober..what's going on?! just because i had to work with some assholes..since when i'm so ffff weak. where is the girl who didn't need nobody..she was happy with her books, movies, dogs and some friends. well i can't say i was entirely happy but i wasn't so unhappy either..and i can't say it loud..only here..that's why maybe it was stupid to abandon blogging. but i must say..i don't fit here either..i'm not anorexic, i can't tell no one something worth knowing or inspiring..i'm nothing, i don't know what i want, who i want to be or why i'm like this...just stupid..and stupid and miserable.

M.

it's better already

well, i'm feeling better right now. That's my food intake for today : broccoli, egg and cucumber. And 3x caffe latte..i could still do better.

5 km run
60 min cardio (intensity)
60 min mat work
40 min bike

i'm too tired and off to bed..thank god tomorrow i'm free..so..i'll do better then today.


xMx

oh, weekend..blahhh

well. weekend kinda sucked. but that's nothing new for me. it's always harder to manage through the weekend and not to screw up. and this weekend had all needed components to do it properly: work at Saturday till after midnight, to much drinks afterwards, return at home at 7 on the morning (how you can imagine..still drunk), full fridge, massive binge. END OF STORY, well, not exactly, but the last part you can imagine as well.  i haven't had drinks for last 3 weeks, because i was perfectly aware what will follow them..but this time i couldn't resist because..i could write down 100 of explanations, but the truth is i was just weak and stupid, and that's it. and because of this stupid act, also the time what had left from Sunday was worthless.. i was half sick, half depressed and half asleep. actually only last 2 hours are a little, tiny bit better.
and here comes the question: "WHY?" and "What were you thinking?" and i might say:

a) that's the last time(for over-drinking or over-eating  or both or none)

b)i'll start fresh from tomorrow

c) it doesn't count because i was doing great all week 

d) all above

BUT

that would be all just lies..in reality just lies..but i'm still naive and foolish..yeah..i'm NAIVE..let's go with that..and that's why i might choose answers a and b.

SO Meet me..The naive and fat COW!

xMx

fcuk it

intake:
275 kcal for sure and hell knows how much ~500 kcal
Use:
6, 4 km running
20 km bike

oh man, i'm so pissed off, why do i always screw it up?! don't answer, i know the answer already to good myself. i was doing so good. i had grapes( 125 kcal) and 2 coffee lattes. i manage through the working day, i went to my grandma birthday party..and i knew i'll need to eat and i had only salad with cheese(like one serving) and i didn't feel bad about it TILL i came home and went for 6, 4 km run. i felt too full, like i had a ball in my stomach, so gross, so i took lax. again and know i have a lil bit time for them kick in..so i have time to post. I'm thinking about why i freaked out, because now i think it was unnecessary. it can be the fact i couldn't know for sure how much did i eat, because..well i couldn't take my weights out could i. and i freak out,but lax. calmed me down again. MISERABLY. good thing - tomorrow will be easy. with that amount i will be unable to eat tomorrow as well ( if only i don't want to sit all the working time in the bathroom..haha). so no water as well. this day proved it again..no eating outside whatsoever!
  other things then eating: because it's still place for my ramblings first place although i have 5 followers( Hi to you there!!) now. I told my mom i'll be leaving  my country for a year. i'll be living in italy, working there and learning italian language( i know it already a lil bit).so me and my mom won't be seeing each other for a long time. as much i love=hate my mom i need to start my own life(AGAIN)..and far away from her. because she is one of the reasons (not the only one)  i am like this. but that's a long story and thinking about the past time..only thinking about it..makes me mad. but one thing i will be missing..actually 2 things..they are my 2 dogs. one i took from an animal shelter as a little puppy. i hope they won't forget me( i was 6 month away before..and they were ok with that.) Fingers crossed^^
ok this girl has an appointment with her bathroom.

how can someone not love dogs?!!!!..these aren't mine, but also lovely!


xMx

over 600..damn

intake: 625
steamed cauliflower, carrots, egg white and potatoes + coffee latte(3x)+ apple
6 km running, 40 min bike, "mat work" workout

too tired to write more, i still need to finish frosting for cupcakes.my grandma has a birthday tomorrow. and good news are.i haven't tasted anyone..and actually thought i could eat one makes me wanna puke..so..i can 99% assure you..no BINGING today.

xMx

almost 600

hmm..sleepless and with lots of bathroom visits are all i can say about last night and half of the next morning as well. luckily no work today, so i slept a lil bit through the day. Good thing after yesterday's depression is that it ended today...and i'm motivated again.

Intake:
588 kcal :steamed green beans, coffee latte (3x), half an apple, 1 banana

Jogging: 5,8 km in 24 minutes...i can do better then that
60 min- mat work workout

i can do better..i know i can. i could let one latte out..but when i remember past time when 6 cups of it per day was a absolute need, then this is not the worst case.

i have 3 packs of these at home, just for case i need a "little" boost ^^

each of piece have 75 kcal in it. that's the unhealthiest thing i like (read also consume) on daily bases.

it's October already and i figured out i need some guidelines for it, so i sat down and thought about it:

1. loose weight (at least 5 kg)

2. improve my jogging time and length

3. jog every evening at least 5K (1 day free at the week is acceptable but undesirable)

4. one worthy book and one worthy movie per week to watch and read( i'm not counting 

detectives which i love to death)

5. mat work everyday( no problems there) 


6. start a new activity - pilates or other class (or restart -swimming or yoga)


7. try not to loose it at work (read not o end up afterwards binging...AND IT"S not IMPORTANT HOW MUCH STRESS i have there)


8. cut my hair.




so, we'll see.

well, i'm not there yet, that's why i run normally late at the evening when it's dark. no one can see me and think i'm  fat, if i would get a comment about that it could spoil everything...so no..thank you.

xMx

stress at work---> massive binge at home--->purge (not all completed)--->laxatives, laxatives, laxatives
---->hate myself, my lack of willpower, everything..HATE


xMx

P.s i won't give up..i know i can find way back to restricting again...fggfsgf I KNOW

502

today's intake: 502 kcal
biking 15 km, running 30 min and mat workout 60 min.

i'm back on track..hopefully certainly for a longer time.. tomorrow is monday again, that means i have a 8 h long workday..i already made a soup(~241 kcal)  from carrots, beans and little touch of couscous for lunch. because knowing me i can't eat outside...i'll freak out and end up screwing everything up.no no no.not this time. i'm tired (tired probably isn't the right word..i'm devastated) of my weight jumping up and down, up and down..i'm at that point where i can restrict again..and not screw it up..like those stupid 2 years in the middle wouldn't have been..just mirror thinks otherwise. well we see!!

i still can't get enough from colors of autumn...nature is so beautiful...it's the people and their unnatural stuff, what changes beautiful into ugly. i mean..eating natural food chance to become a big fat girl is a lot smaller then eating Mcdonald's stuff. Anyways i'm enjoying autumn...

Japan is also my dream destination, just maybe a little bit later.

xMx

500

today i stayed under 500 kcal, had 30 min long run, 1 h long workout and i think i found new strength in me. just pity i always find strength in sad things..
and thank god it's autumn again( read lots of clothes to hide in)
and the nature has so many colors, it's just beautiful...
but honestly i don't get when did the autumn came. like really?
..somewhere between work, working out, counting intake and fighting
 with all and everyone around me..hmm..nice.

 xMx

failure

still nothing,still trying, still failing and still unhappy...i'm so tired. when will it be better?

and fasting, again..

water fast for 7 days..starts now.  yesterday i drank way too much, said too many things which i never would say normally to others..and ate too much when i was already too much...BLAAAAAAAAAh,but good news that extra food didn't stay in me for a long time..haha.. anyways. i ran today, did work out and ate only one slice of bread with tomato and oh red bull energy drink( as every day). still no actually time for posting, but soon i'll hopefully have everything under control again.


M.

work..ufff

lately it's just work, work, work and work again. but i won't get to upset, because i know i won't have it..after 2 month and then i'll be able to sit and blog here for eternity ( not so funny..no). but for me working means getting stressed out and calm me with unnecessary food = getting fat and chubby ..urghkjldknslkdalkfdj...well  i've not gained( read i haven't lost either) but it's just because i'm doing exercises as planed *sigh*
 that just means i can't handle stress/ work and concentrate on my kcal intake at once...am i blonde or what? or i just need to do better. ok. i'll take some sleeping pills, because i had to many coffees today and tomorrow is a early morning again...
P.S i'll need to write down my ramblings more often..it helps..so i have heard :D

M.

day 1

first day..back on track..it's time to take over my own life. no more turning to food for comfort and no more crying over my own damn body... why couldn't i do the same as so many people before me..i'll buy new food diary and start all over again.i'm so exciting...a lil bit scary..anyways..my starting weight is 138 lbs..and i'm 5'7 tall. so..at least 30 lbs to go..and better fast!!!!
PLAN:
1000 kcal per day
cardio- 30 min
mat method- 1 hour
yoga (3 times a week)

I'm pretty sure that i won't be able to stick with 1000 kcal..because of job, but the goal is never go over 1500 kcal.

something to be inspired from:

go me..i'm off to work..and hopefully everything will work out just amazing...fingers crossed!


M.

sleepy

Sushi is really really sleepy today, and in fact she was so yesterday as well. that's why i'll just say that i'm doing well on my plan. only mistake so far were 2 pieces of milk chocolate. i was already forgotten how good it feels to run at the evening, i literally didn't want come back inside. If i could i would live like gypsies or hippies all summer long (only summer^^)
i wanted to weight myself today, but so far i have had lots of water, so i'll do it at morning to avoid bad surprises. 
wow, this post is officially the most pointless in my "LONG" blogging history. well, i am sleepy, that's why..
Thanx to Amber or Ariana! and thank you all of you who still reads my ramblings AND even finds some words to share, i really appreciate:)

xXxShySushiXxX

I will (10x)....be happy in this summer

last week was very warm, very sunny and very stressful ( wrote about my last paper). after it was done i got really really drunk..it means..lot of kcal. but after all that stress, tears and fears i simply needed it. i was out also on Friday and Saturday night. i just wanted to enjoy freedom and well to avoid also thinking about the future. But today i have calmed down. And from tomorrow morning i have a new plan.On Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays i have work all day long. that's a good thing, because i don't eat there. and at the morning i don't eat in general. so i need to plan only one meal. i take bike to and from work, so it's also kcal burning and i will go running for 30 min every second evening. 

 i can't wait to start. Tuesdays and Thursdays will be my relaxing time. 

1.   i will read books a lot (finally something else then learning books or German books).
2.  i will go to the beach and i will be brown like chocolate (i am already brown but i want more) 
3. i will begin to draw again (haven't done that for over then 3 years, but i want it now). 
4. i will visit art exhibitions with my best friend
5. i will drink coffee (that one only cup:( ) 
6. i will go to summer music festivals and will enjoy listening to the music in summer nights
7. i will forget to worry about tiny irrelevant everyday things.
8. i will travel to Germany and i will see my friends again and i will tell them that i missed them much (even it's really hard to me to admit stuff like that.
9. maybe, just maybe i could find someone i really want to find. and maybe, it could change my loneliness. 
10. and maybe, just maybe I WILL BE HAPPY IN THIS SUMMER. so happy i always wanted to be.

But till then i WILL try to look as best as i can, what means...i need to loose some weight. GO me!

xXxShySushiXxX

 

Bachelor degree, weight etc.

Hi to you all out there!

I can officially say i have finished my bachelor program, and i did it really well. well, that's the opinion of my professors, not mine. i think i could done it better. but i can/will improve myself in master's degree, if i will decide to do it. in fact, i want to study in germany. but that takes lots of money and courage as well.

all that eating/ studying at night took me back to 61 kg. it's  134 lbs. it sucks, but i am not worried to much, because i know, i can do this and be at the end of the month 125 lbs at least. (it's graduation then)

i done lots of tests, but doctors couldn't find why i am feeling bad all the time, and why my thyroid is swollen. at the end, they figured out it's only stress and to much caffeine and other stuff from large amounts of coffee and energy drinks. I can't use them now. only one cup coffee per day. it is sooooo bad. i am a coffee lover. ok i can manage through the summer, because it's hot and so, but what will i do in the autumn or winter. coffee in warm cozy place while it's snowing/ raining outside is kind of my everyday pleasure in those month.

emotionally i am bouncing from bad and depressed to happy shiny people in daily basis. i am not happy about that, nor are my surrounding people. the most triggering thing is as always loneliness. it gets to me badly. my birthday is after 2 month, i will be 23. it is a lot, and i haven't been in love once. NOT EVEN once. what is wrong with me? it's not a question. sometimes i'm afraid of what answer it could be. i perfectly know sitting here and rambling won't help it. and i am starting to understand it's not also because of my weight. i don't know about what could it be neither. just trying to stay sane, positive and don't show my problems to others. it's not working all the times.
tomorrow i will drive to the beach. i have my own bike (happy happy face). read it as kcal burning+ faster then traffic+ tanning!
 and it looks kind of cute, maybe not so cute as these two, but still :D

Good night/ Day to you all!

so you probably already figured out but so i am done with my studies, i will be here a lot again. 

xXxShySushixXx

Random thoughts

i have been thinking.. a lot.. i got a job..bought a bicycle..finished all my exams (just the paper for getting a degree has left). but that all doesn't bother me much. i simply don't care..most the time i am just tired and dizzy. i went to the doctor, that was such a stupid idea. i sat there and the only thing in my head was..omg..if she finds out that i am not eating right. anyways the doctor wants me to take a lot of tests..i hope they won't show any signs of my life style..for now i am thinking i musted simply leave all as it is..but my thyroid was too swollen for too long (since Christmas) and i got too worried :(... OK in fact i'm very scared.
the other thing is i am also scared i can't trust my judgement anymore. i always thought i know the best about me, about other people, about life and so on.and most of the time i was right. Friends always said i am the smart one.    
but last months have been awful. i am wrong, i misunderstand a lot. and now when i am writing i see that i was really  wrong, but i also know next time i will do the same (it's difficult to explain) it is like part of a time a another me has the power of seeing and she sees all bad. i have already written about the feeling that there are two MEs inside my body. but before last couple of months Mes couldn't agree only about things i saw in the mirror. and with that i could live. but now it's bad. i had a lot of fights with friends because i misunderstand them, blamed them for what i thought they think and wanted to do to me. and after a while i saw my mistake..i really did..but i was too ashamed about it to speak with them.

Something happier. I love surrealism. Salvador Dali is my favorite artist. This tattoo kind of remind me of his works. I still think about the idea of having a tattoo. but i can't decide what exactly do i want(i have been thinking over a year now or even more): dream-catcher or a dog. I could have both. Will see. Till that time i still need to lose lot of fat.

  

xXxxShySushixXxx

Plan is ready. Gooo me!

i have found a job. it's nothing big,but i'll get more money, then my friends for doing less and i can manage to do both: study and work. it also means i'll be able to go to gym *party*.
i'm exactly 128 lbs now. i need to lose at least 25 till summer. i don't know if it's possible. i hope it is. i don't want another summer like last 2. i was so insicure and always with something big on. NOT this summer. i will be thin and happy and an other person!! You will see it.



xxxx

after one month...i'm back

hi, blogging world.

one month ago i was so sure i'll never log in in my blogger.com account. yeah,  right. after a couple of days i wanted to know how are you all doing and i start to read your blogs. so i red them..but only once a week or so..'once' was in first 2 weeks, last week and this week im reading them every single day...so i figured out it's useless to pretend i'm not here ^^ so i'll be writing here AGAIN instead of my drive C.


xSHYsushiX

Goodbyes

I thought everything through. and i decided to leave this blogging world. maybe ill be back after 2 month maybe not. but i just wanted to say goodbye. ill miss you. THANX FOR YOUR SUPPORT.

xMx

Changes#2

i was so suprised, that someone is still reading my depressed posts. and that someone has inspiring words for me.
those are smart words, but i seem not to understand them. i mean i understand their meaning but voice in my head thinks in a diffrent way.
today i lost the control totally. binged very badly. but i was able to study. not just staring at the desktop. its a good thing right? but it also makes me cry, when i realise that tomorrow ill be back to my old weight or even worse..maybe ill need to let it go...be fat and ugly till im finished with my uni (thats 2 month more) and then loose those lbs. because i feel ill fail otherwise :( i have no idea what to do. because it doesn't matter which way ill choose i will feel like a failure (maaaaan, again this stupid word, my second name for sure). but somehow uni seems to be more important and i KNOW FOR SURE ILL WILL lose this fat after it. i won't be happy if i won't. but i won't be happy either when ill need to pay for other semester or more.



wish you all a much much better week then mine!!


xMx

staying sane. its the only thing i still have in my mind. everything is blur. sorry. i won't  stay sane. im feeling it. sorry.

Motivation

 i have made a plan for this day. LIQUID FAST. go me. and about all my problems ill think(and write) on monday. I will show them.

Stress will kill me soon

its true. it will, because i have no idea if ill be eble to finish the studies this year or not. i have lots to do :( only good thing is that im way to busy to worrie about my future after graduation(if ill have one). sad. sad. sad thought. well good thing also- i don't want to eat at all.
ARIANA!! your comment was so sweet. so you guessed where im from^^ it was almost right..want to learn a new language? just kidding. i know that you don't like languages and anyway this language has no use^^
u asked me what im afraid of..its both- of failure and the fact im not sure what will happen..and also i don't want to upset anyone. but ill will face this after ill be done with school.

Omg im really scared.my hands are shaking. i have no money to pay university, because if im fail this year ill need to pay for it a big amont of money, which means ill need to drop this. and this happens just because of one little misunderstanding.

i haven't updated my weight or kcal intake for a while. im still 128 lbs. and i don't get why im not loosing anything. i don't binge, i eat 500-1000 kcal a day. i think its because of coffee and lack of kcal burning ( ill need to find time for that. :( )

xMx

wake me up when september ends...

im scared, hands are shaking, im scared of everythig.  im really still just a little child inside of me. scared of taking chances, scared of problems. waiting on someone who will take responsibility over me, who will decide in my place. and yet i want to leave my home as soon as possible, leave and go far far away. different contry, different city, different people. i don't dream that ill become another person, thin as i want to be, or happy, but i definitely won't be the same. i want to live on my own, just one year. but you know im scared to make this step. my family said already NO. i need to study further and so on and on. but i want just one year for myself. i wanted to do this after high school, but they pressed all the right buttons and i gave up, because i thought they know better whats good for me.but i regret that i didn't stand up and fight for it then. and i have done this (almoust)-i have finished studies- i can do it now. but im scared. i don't want to upset them. i can't stand if someone is unhappy and the reason is me. Weakness? maybe. i thinl its because im getting easily upset as well and i don't want to do the same  for someone else (and for the family even more!) and its weird, because i honestly thought i hate my mother and she couldn't stand me at all. i was like a big failure over and over again. never i was good enough..in the school, at home, everywhere, but now i understand she wanted me to be the best, just the way was wrong..i don't have any selfconfidence at all. i don't blame her..now atleast..i just wasn't person who was strong enough. good enough. and at the times when i was feeling like a failure i would binge. and its only my fault, only my. and its difficult to have noone else to blame..too difficult. and in fact this post is just whinig again...o my..ill better go to sleep..new day, new thoughts..

good night

xMx

something, something

i couldn't blog for some days. couldn't because it didn't seem such a good idea. because what's the point to write again and again the same whinings over and over and over again. so ill better just post some nice pictures what will maybe improve this fu***ng mood. and i WON'T give up. i know ill find a way.

xMx