feeling like a shit

i have no idea what to do, the injury is getting worse and it will be 4 weeks at sunday. medicine doesn't work at all or very minimal. i'm just whole time tired & sad. i have eaten why too much, i basically can't work out..and i 'm also afraid if i'll try i would make it even worse, i hate the fact i can't have any privacy. cause i'm crying & depressed all the time & everyone with whom i live with has noticed it. i don't wanna be that cry baby..but  i am.

 

sorry, i'm very negative..but really i'm tired of pains & not knowing what it is & when will it end up. cause it isn't a strain in muscle (that was the first assumption) and the doctor doesn't know what it is. i need to make a bunch of x ray & analysis and i don't know if i can even afford it. like really everything is always about that damn money.

p.s i hope all of you out there are doing better then me at the moment. and thank you.

xMx

oh, weekend..blahhh

well. weekend kinda sucked. but that's nothing new for me. it's always harder to manage through the weekend and not to screw up. and this weekend had all needed components to do it properly: work at Saturday till after midnight, to much drinks afterwards, return at home at 7 on the morning (how you can imagine..still drunk), full fridge, massive binge. END OF STORY, well, not exactly, but the last part you can imagine as well.  i haven't had drinks for last 3 weeks, because i was perfectly aware what will follow them..but this time i couldn't resist because..i could write down 100 of explanations, but the truth is i was just weak and stupid, and that's it. and because of this stupid act, also the time what had left from Sunday was worthless.. i was half sick, half depressed and half asleep. actually only last 2 hours are a little, tiny bit better.
and here comes the question: "WHY?" and "What were you thinking?" and i might say:

a) that's the last time(for over-drinking or over-eating  or both or none)

b)i'll start fresh from tomorrow

c) it doesn't count because i was doing great all week 

d) all above

BUT

that would be all just lies..in reality just lies..but i'm still naive and foolish..yeah..i'm NAIVE..let's go with that..and that's why i might choose answers a and b.

SO Meet me..The naive and fat COW!

xMx

stress at work---> massive binge at home--->purge (not all completed)--->laxatives, laxatives, laxatives
---->hate myself, my lack of willpower, everything..HATE


xMx

P.s i won't give up..i know i can find way back to restricting again...fggfsgf I KNOW

work..ufff

lately it's just work, work, work and work again. but i won't get to upset, because i know i won't have it..after 2 month and then i'll be able to sit and blog here for eternity ( not so funny..no). but for me working means getting stressed out and calm me with unnecessary food = getting fat and chubby ..urghkjldknslkdalkfdj...well  i've not gained( read i haven't lost either) but it's just because i'm doing exercises as planed *sigh*
 that just means i can't handle stress/ work and concentrate on my kcal intake at once...am i blonde or what? or i just need to do better. ok. i'll take some sleeping pills, because i had to many coffees today and tomorrow is a early morning again...
P.S i'll need to write down my ramblings more often..it helps..so i have heard :D

M.