almost 600

hmm..sleepless and with lots of bathroom visits are all i can say about last night and half of the next morning as well. luckily no work today, so i slept a lil bit through the day. Good thing after yesterday's depression is that it ended today...and i'm motivated again.

Intake:
588 kcal :steamed green beans, coffee latte (3x), half an apple, 1 banana

Jogging: 5,8 km in 24 minutes...i can do better then that
60 min- mat work workout

i can do better..i know i can. i could let one latte out..but when i remember past time when 6 cups of it per day was a absolute need, then this is not the worst case.

i have 3 packs of these at home, just for case i need a "little" boost ^^

each of piece have 75 kcal in it. that's the unhealthiest thing i like (read also consume) on daily bases.

it's October already and i figured out i need some guidelines for it, so i sat down and thought about it:

1. loose weight (at least 5 kg)

2. improve my jogging time and length

3. jog every evening at least 5K (1 day free at the week is acceptable but undesirable)

4. one worthy book and one worthy movie per week to watch and read( i'm not counting 

detectives which i love to death)

5. mat work everyday( no problems there) 


6. start a new activity - pilates or other class (or restart -swimming or yoga)


7. try not to loose it at work (read not o end up afterwards binging...AND IT"S not IMPORTANT HOW MUCH STRESS i have there)


8. cut my hair.




so, we'll see.

well, i'm not there yet, that's why i run normally late at the evening when it's dark. no one can see me and think i'm  fat, if i would get a comment about that it could spoil everything...so no..thank you.

xMx

stress at work---> massive binge at home--->purge (not all completed)--->laxatives, laxatives, laxatives
---->hate myself, my lack of willpower, everything..HATE


xMx

P.s i won't give up..i know i can find way back to restricting again...fggfsgf I KNOW

502

today's intake: 502 kcal
biking 15 km, running 30 min and mat workout 60 min.

i'm back on track..hopefully certainly for a longer time.. tomorrow is monday again, that means i have a 8 h long workday..i already made a soup(~241 kcal)  from carrots, beans and little touch of couscous for lunch. because knowing me i can't eat outside...i'll freak out and end up screwing everything up.no no no.not this time. i'm tired (tired probably isn't the right word..i'm devastated) of my weight jumping up and down, up and down..i'm at that point where i can restrict again..and not screw it up..like those stupid 2 years in the middle wouldn't have been..just mirror thinks otherwise. well we see!!

i still can't get enough from colors of autumn...nature is so beautiful...it's the people and their unnatural stuff, what changes beautiful into ugly. i mean..eating natural food chance to become a big fat girl is a lot smaller then eating Mcdonald's stuff. Anyways i'm enjoying autumn...

Japan is also my dream destination, just maybe a little bit later.

xMx

work..ufff

lately it's just work, work, work and work again. but i won't get to upset, because i know i won't have it..after 2 month and then i'll be able to sit and blog here for eternity ( not so funny..no). but for me working means getting stressed out and calm me with unnecessary food = getting fat and chubby ..urghkjldknslkdalkfdj...well  i've not gained( read i haven't lost either) but it's just because i'm doing exercises as planed *sigh*
 that just means i can't handle stress/ work and concentrate on my kcal intake at once...am i blonde or what? or i just need to do better. ok. i'll take some sleeping pills, because i had to many coffees today and tomorrow is a early morning again...
P.S i'll need to write down my ramblings more often..it helps..so i have heard :D

M.